This is sixty

Daydream By Diana G, Mendoza

Manila– Lined, wrinkled and grayed. I took a closer look at myself in the mirror the other day and noticed the signs of my age. It’s no longer out of the ordinary as I’ve been seeing it in recent years.

But I found it surprising and amusing because, as many people my age and those who are older often joke, “I’ve never been this old.”

I just read an article criticizing people who spend money and do things to make themselves look and feel younger, and who regress their age to psych themselves up to new labels that make them happy. I’ve heard of 40 as the new 20 and 50 as the new 25. Somewhere, there must be a 60 as the new silly 30. I don’t buy that.

Life moves fast, so I don’t have much time to take a long look at myself anymore and think of what I may have lost, except for those rare moments that are worth considering and appreciating.

I do tend to stuff up on whatever is left of my life’s remaining years, which are getting fewer, which means I’m way, way up past my prime at 30.

Despite learning many survival techniques and forgiving myself and moving on from regretting a few scattered years of misspent youth, missed opportunities, mistakes and failures, some days and times still don’t go to plan.

There’s still beauty and freshness in it, because I have started over and shifted my designs many times, and I still do. I made my own timeline and I keep going. I feel I’m built for more.

I’m doing better than I think. There are many things I haven’t done yet, but I know how far I’ve come. I’m stronger than I doubted myself to be because I’m more capable than I feared. I made progress nobody knew about and I feel powerful just knowing it by heart.

That’s how I feel, unapologetically. People say to themselves, and to the young and those getting older alike, that we must all age with dignity. That I do earnestly, with a bit of drama. I don’t stop. I have plans and I have dreams. I still want to do things that scare me.

I consider aging a natural phase that is full of depth, growth and discovery. It may be a difficulty due to the physical changes, but it’s not a problem to be solved. It is a chapter in life that is about to unfold.

As I recall with grace my youth that quietly slipped away, I also consider the apprehensions, worries, insecurities and fears that it took away with it.

I’ve never been so comfortable with myself as I feel and do now. I like the realizations that -- no matter how trivial I looked at them in the past – I feel more alive now learning more and putting meaning into things.

I also feel the grieving for persons I have lost including friends who are mostly younger than me, and persons I can discuss living and dying with, and I’m loving it more and thriving.

The most remarkable among these realizations is the part where I no longer care what people think of me. And this is my peace.

So this is sixty, the age where I still want to find pages to turn, candles to light for no reason and dragons to ride. This is my mayhem. This is my cinema. My peace looks like this. This is me and this is my 60.

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