The great debate

Saipan — Somewhere in the Pacific…

Moderator: Good evening. We are gathered here today to get through this thing called democracy in action — or at least democracy in words. Lots of words. The coming election is the most important in our history. We said the same thing in the previous election, and the one before that, which only shows how truly important elections are. Why? Because elections determine the future — of the candidates and their supporters’ livelihood opportunities: whose party-mates, political allies and their relatives will get government jobs, government contracts and special treatment in the next four years. These are weighty matters ladies and gentlemen. Tonight the two gentlemen aspiring to be our leader will spell out their platforms that are basically the same, and can only be fully implemented when pigs fly. They will also tell us why electing their opponent is the dumbest thing you can ever do — next to running for office.

Candidate A: Good evening.

Candidate B: Good evening.

Moderator: Let’s start with Candidate A. Opening statement please.

Candidate A: Thank you moderator. And thank you dear people, especially the registered voters, of this great democracy we call home. First of all, let me say that I care for the children. And the environment. I am also for public education and public health. And I support the troops, and our police officers and other first responders. I support the elderly, the youth, the community. In fact, whoever yo