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  • By Joseph Meyers

No, it's not the end

A great philosopher once said — or maybe it was a TV host on E channel— that for Spice Girls fans, every year is 1997, the height of their fame. Yes, it’s been that long. But for doomsayers, it seems like every year is 2012, the year the world was supposed to end — according to pop interpreters of Mayan history. It turns out, it was really just the end of the Mayan Calendar (and a bad movie), rather than the beginning of the Apocalypse.

But no one really really wants the world to end. Other doomsayers have been saying that “print is dead” for ages. But here you are dear reader, with paper in hand. (Digital subscribers can ignore the last two sentences.)

So with the end of 2017, out with old pessimism, and in with new pessimism. Welcome to 2018. Happy new year! Right? Wrong. While I thought the world had ended for many back in 2016 with the presidential election, it appears “The Long Goodbye” to planet Earth was just the beginning of the end. Of course, we live in a dynamic world. Some of us will pass away, and some things we’ve always known will fade away. But as Corky from “Life Goes On” once said, “life goes on.”

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So with all that said, what are some things that I think will not end, other than the world, in 2018?

First of all, let’s break ice and say Hillary Clinton’s not going away. In fact, she just finished her long book tour. I assume she made several trips to certain Midwestern states, which she wished she had done a bit earlier. So as we found out, safe assumptions can be very wrong.

On Guam, some local politicians you may assume to have retreated into oblivion are still going to be around, running in the 2018 elections. Ever heard of a former Guam Governor named Carl Gutierrez? Yep, he already announced as a candidate for this year’s race.

Other local issues that aren’t ending in 2018 are as follows: the fight over making medical marijuana accessible, talks about the phantom self-rule plebiscite, tax increases and government borrowing. And oh, federal receivership of Guam’s solid waste doesn’t look like it’s ending either. So far, we haven’t even been able to manage a closed dump.

On the technology front, despite the recent end of federally imposed net neutrality, the internet will not end or slow down. As long as consumers have real choices with ISPs, it doesn’t matter if we have net neutrality imposed by government mandate or market forces. For telecom providers, we have options as we watch GTA and Docomo Pacific compete for who has the better plan.

We don’t have that options with GWA and GPA. Don’t like your water plan? Get a bucket and pray for rain. Don’t like rolling power outs? Fire up a generator. Speaking of GPA, going out on a limb here, I predict that the rolling power outs will also not end in 2018. Okay, those won’t change, but your power bill, that will change.

The fight against the dreaded brown tree snakes on Guam will not end either. It appears the fight against the invasive species is truly America’s longest war. And like other endless wars, it’s not going to be won decisively. The snakes aren’t going anywhere. Even if, God forbid, North Korea successfully attacked Guam with nuclear weapons, the snakes will survive. So, I’m pretty sure airdropping dead mice with headache medicine won’t work either. Call it the MIC — the Mouse Industrial Complex.

On socialspeak trend, I predict, like, literally, the overuse and misuse of the word “literally” won’t, like, end either. Like, literally, I wish Kim Jong-un would consider nuking that word if he has to attack something.

And back to politics, I predict that — even if Trump refuses to admit it—Obamacare won’t end either. Neither will Robert Mueller’s investigation, or Trump’s presidency. But I do think that those who were dismayed at the elections results in 2016 will finally see some light at the end of tunnel with upcoming 2018 elections. And you know what that means? It means my biggest prediction for 2018 (other than Bitcoin being extremely volatile) is that harsh and divisive American politics will not, under any scenario, end in 2018. And that is, literally, a shame.

A self-confessed news junkie, Joseph Meyers is a longtime resident of Guam. He lives is Tamuning with two dogs and a cat.

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